Догадки о том, что же происходит вокруг меня

Goa thing

The first time I went to the sea was 5 years ago, I was in Israel, in winter, and for a very limited time. For two hours in fact. I was 30 years old. Why I could not reach the sea before? I live by the beautiful place – lake Baikal, and was very satisfied travelling there.

Beautiful but cold

Beautiful but cold. Olkhon island, Baikal lake, July 2015

It is like sea. But cold. If I went swimming in Baikal, first I was preparing myself sitting in some small river colder than the lake, then was able to swim.. for 5 minutes :). Maybe because of this coldness I have so many photos of Baikal – what to do else at the seashore if you cannot swim.


I was taking pictures of everything 🙂 Bolshiye Koty, Baikal lake, July 2013

My first feeling of sea came a bit later, when I was in Spain in 2012. Then I learnt that I can swim a bit longer, and that water holds me. It was amazing, nude beaches not far from Malaga and very crowded in Barcelona. Burning sand, warm water. Very romantic. My friends were jumping from a rock, and I was  only cowardly taking pictures of them.


Azure water not far from Nerja, Spain


Barcelona, fantastic memories

Then I got involved by India. I have visited India 9 times and didn’t manage to go to the seaside, somehow. Though for most of the Russians India is equal  to Goa.

So at last, my 10th time brought me to Goa.

Me and my friend Sanchit arrived to North Goa by train from Delhi, it took about 25 hours.


Some station close to Goa

We got down at Thivim railway station and took a bus to Baga Beach, North Goa – about 20 minutes. It was quite hot, we were tired and hungry, tried to find not expensive place to stay, but said “No place for you, guys”. And after having one beer and some disgusting food in a local restaurant (at least they had air-conditioning), we reached this extra-crowded beach. And yeah, there were a lot of Russians there ). I don’t know how we can recognise that other person is Russian, but I saw them everywhere. One girl in the street asked me: “Where to buy fruits?” in Russian and it was so funny, she got that I am Russian from the first sight, so did I.


Baga beach, North Goa

I reached the beach and I was happy. So many Indian families were resting there. They just were sitting or standing in the water, all dressed, enjoying. So I also went into the water in shorts, pretending I am typical Indian )). We were chilling there till late evening. And very close to this crowd there is a small beach – right around the corner – almost empty and with beautiful rocks.


Me smoking at Baga beach

When crowd was gone – it was amazing – drinking wine, looking at the stars, and – maybe it is not obvious for those who live in warm countries – enjoying just being in shorts and t-shirt 24/7 and feeling warm.


No efforts to stabilize the camera, so relaxed

Time gets slow, thoughts just go away, you are not in future or past, just now – warm and relaxed. I got used in India not to be aware what will happen next. All my attempts to plan failed before, so now when something sudden happens I say: “Ok, let it be”. So, at last old friend of Sanchit came to pick us and we went to a restaurant to eat Goan food and drink Goan vodka.


Goan fish

Food was ok and one fish was awesome – bahut swadish tha!

I forgot the name of a restaurant but it was very nice, even with some live music. After restaurant, all drunk and crazy we were riding along the road here and there with music, dancing, some adventures (for me) and finally arrived to some guest house by morning. This hotel was kinda emergency for that night and a bit expensive – 1800 rupees per day (“John’s Highland Comfort Guest House”). The hostress was very doubtful to host us, but I pursuaded her that we are very normal people )). Next day when we were checking out (in fact in 7 hours) she asked to pay one day fee extra – saying “I have a rule, minimum two days” – I am always amazed how people are easy to get more money just for nothing (how to get this skill? :P). But of course we said – “We are very normal people, and don’t want to pay extra”. So again we were on the road with all our stuff, not big at the first sight but getting heavy after some walking in heat.


Buffolos not far from Colva beach, South Goa

That place was close to Colva beach, and I liked the country side much – many trees, buffolos are walking everywhere, local people, Russian people :P, flowers.


Thinking what to do next, where to go, very hungry


Village life, very relaxed

We had lunch at a nice simple family reastarunt and finally rent a bike in the city Margao. We found on, that place – Blue Lagoon Resort. The picture of it was so tempting that we decided to get there at any cost. And we started.


Updating profile pictures on facebook


Posing )

I was experiencing many things the first time in my life – so was this small trip on a bike. Never was on a bike before. It felt amazing!


On the way

I was checking our route on Google navigator, everybody knows – don’t trust Google much! So this time I chose the wrong way, which leads to Cola beach from the wrong side – the road ends at the edge of one rock, and there is only small path going down.


How to get to Cola beach from the highway

And on this dirt road we fell from the bike. Sanchit got a big injury on his leg, bike was scratched – such a failure of that day. Right after the fall a taxi was passing by and the driver gave us some bandage and anticeptic cream. After first shock Sanchit was on the bike again, and finally we found the right way from the other side of Cola beach. We arrived when it was dark already – but the place was amazing! (1200 rupees per night for a hut)


At the Cola beach at night


Stars very amazing so I was amazed

Cozy huts very close to the beach, nice restaurant with good food, beuatiful view.

Next day was relaxing, I asked the staff to bring some medicine to treat Sanchit’s wound, but it was not enough. Anyway we were enjoying. I was swimming, went for a walk to take pictures. There were many Europeans there, some families with kids. Sometimes we were just sitting under some roof gossipping about what people were doing around us – such an entertainment ))).  I wish I could stay at that place more, and was picturing how it would be nice to bring my kids there, for a couple of weeks. Waves were big (for me, sea-fresher), almost all the time. So when you enter the sea you can easily fall. But when you enter – you can be a fish, a dolphin, or a piece of wood – according to your swimming skills. I was like a poppy, trying not to swallow much water, but first time in my life I managed to lie on the water without any efforts, and it was mindblowing (one more little dream – checked!).


Cola beach resort


View from the room at Cola beach resort


I wish I could stay more



Like a poppy in water


Waves of Cola beach

Next day we shifted to Agonda, previously checked some hotels there. We could not go further because from any effort Sanchit’s leg got swallen and it wasn’t good. So we stayed at a very simple place – Agonda Waves (600 rupees per night for a room for two). On the way there Sanchit got some urgent work.


Working in hard conditions

Meanwhile, to occupy myself I was trying to open a green cashew nut. I didn’t find any sharp thing, so I was trying to bite it through to open. And after few seconds I realised that some juice is coming from the nut, and it was not good. I spit it away, washed with water, but could not get rid of this numb feeling in my mouth for few hours. That part of my mouth was burnt. Sanchit said – “Don’t put everything into your mouth” – good advice! :))) So – don’t try to chew green cashew nuts!
Agonda beach is quite big, but also very nice – not many people.


Agonda beach

I was enjoying last day in the sea.. Previous day we were looking for the best way to come back to Delhi, flights from Goa were expensive – around 11000 rupees per person. But flights from Mumbai were almost 4 times cheaper, so Sanchit booked those flights and a bus from Margao to Mumbai. I was glad – I would see Mumbai! at least from a window )). So we started next day at 11 am, and had a pretty hard driving for 40 kms to Margao – hard because of heat, Sanchit’s wound, and thoughts how to fix that bike with minimum money. On the way we stopped to drink sugarcane juice – again opening for me! I tried this juice before but with masala and didn’t like it. But in that heat it was so delicious and refreshing!  So refreshing that the rest of the way I was thinking only how to get more of this juice )). In Margao, after giving that bike back, the time left to the bus-departure we spent in a beautiful city garden.


City garden in Margao, Goa

We got late for the booked bus, and I learnt again, that it is not a big deal – there were many guys-dealers, managing bookings, tickets – so we got another bus, till some close to Margao city, where we changed for a bus to Mumbai. And I was amazed again – I never travel in a sleeper bus! So many times I feel like I am 5-6 years old girl openning the world. Though travelling in a sleeper bus occured not so exciting as I thought: yes, we were having a bed, but at the end of the bus, and it was very shaking, so I was waking up many times during the trip.


At the bus stand on the way to Mumbai

We got down somewhere in Mumbai in early morning to have some food, but we could not find any place to eat because it was too early. And we took autoriksha to the airport. On the way I took some random pictures.


Mumbai morning from an autoriksha


Mumbai morning from an autoriksha


Mumbai morning from an autoriksha


Mumbai morning from an autoriksha


Mumbai morning from an autoriksha


Mumbai morning from an autoriksha

It was a short but very memorable journey.

Pictures: Evgeniya Stanevich, Swaraj Mishra




My trip to Leh-Ladakh, August-September 2015

I went to Leh-Ladakh to participate with my Russian friends in pilgramage of Karmapa Trinley Thaye Dorje, the head of Karma Kagyu linage of Tibetan Buddhism.

I bought a ticket for Volvo bus online being in Delhi. And it was an option to chose the point of picking up. I choose Vidhan Sabha metro station. That day one of my Indian friends wanted to meet me and I suggested to meet him at that metro st. before my departure. When I arrived at the place I saw that most probably Volvo buses don’t start from there so I got a bit nervous. My friend came, called to red-bus service and found out that actually buses start from Majnu ka Tila (I didn’t get why on the website they turned this option on – confusing people). We went to Majnu ka tila, chatted a bit and I went off to Manali. I met a Russian girl on the bus and we had very nice talks on the way. The bus was semi-slipper, so we could sleep pretty well. I woke up at about 7 am, bus stopped for a breakfast. By 11 we arrived to Manali. I called to Raju – a guy which contact I was given earlier and for 100 rupees we took auto riksha and arrived to a hotel Valley View (actual price is about 50r). Later I found out that there are two Valley View hotels in Manali. The room was very nice (400 rupees) and after shower me and that Russian girl went for walking around. Came down to the river and I swam a bit in cold mountain water.


A view on mountains in Manali

Then we went to old Manali, ate couple of apples – there are so many apple gardens in Manali, were sitting on a huge tree – all this walk was awesome.

A huge tree in Manali, India

A huge tree in Manali, India

Apples of Manali

Apples of Manali

Then came back. I booked a place on minibus going to Leh – the start time was at 1:30am. And went for shopping. The Russian girl was going to leave for mountains in the morning (actually it seemed me a bit crazy – to go alone to the mountains without any plan or even map. After a month I wrote her a letter but she hasn’t answer me till now, just hope that she is ok). Then slept 2 hours and at 1am was already waiting on the road. The bus picked me up and at 2am we started from Manali. The journey took 16 hours and was pretty hard. Drivers were changing all the time and drove very well. The road partly is without pavement and is being built and repaired all the time. But anyway I thought it would be worse. There are several police check points – foreigners give their passports to a driver and he takes them to a police officer for writing down names and visa details. One should drink a lot of water on the way to avoid the lack of oxygen. Its quite a problem because after you want to pee very often, and a bus doesn’t stop the same often as you want to pee )) though you may ask a driver. Despite my following that advice and taking special pill – Diamox – at the height of 4500 m my head was aching very much, especially forehead. The highest point was about 5300m, and after going down to the Leh valley (3200m) I felt much better. At Pang three Israili guys from my bus were smoking weed and suggested me also. I took few puffs but didn’t feel any better.

Typical cafe in mountains on the road.

Typical cafe in mountains on the road.


A favourite place for a bus traveller )


The bus and my fellow travellers


Despite of headache – views seemed to me just awesome


On the way to Leh – next time I will plan my trip on this road to have stops in such places


Pang (if I’m not mistaken)


At last we arrived to Leh.

My hotel was in Choglamsar – 15-20 mins drive back from Leh. Potala hotel. I found it quickly because it’s situated right by the main road. I liked that place – pretty good WiFi, hot water, very nice family of staff. Electricity was off quite often, so was off WiFi, but for a traveller it’s normal)). The food they cook is really nice and we were all happy to have such a restaurant at our place of living. The only thing I didn’t like about that hotel – super huge amount of dust – the reason is dusty road too near.
Following my jogging plan I managed during next week to do three runs and found another road for it – 1km away to the mountains – very quiet and clean, especially in mornings, and that jogging in mountains will always stay in my memory as one of the lightest things I had. I saw many other runners from locals – guys and girls, also I saw an add about Leh marathon on 13 th of September and was glad that people of Leh are so sportive. Other runners and just people were smiling to me and it was a perfect beginning of the day.
I was spending time with my Russian friends in different monasteries following Karmapa and monks. By the end of that week I thought that the amount of pujas, rituals are too much for my Russian logical mind. But as soon as I left Leh I’ve got a vision, that it was a super right decision to go for this trip.. I managed to visit Leh itself only the first day with my very true friend Vadim. We went to amazing Shanti stupa and Palace – old monastery on the rock which is a museum now (100 rupees for foreigners). It’s really old and beautiful but the maintainance is not very well. I hope in future it will be repaired fully. We walked also along the streets, I noticed that souvenirs and other stuff is much more interesting than in Delhi and Bodhgaya where I’ve been before. Unfortunately I didn’t manage to buy anything. From Leh to Choglamsar shared taxi costs 20 rupees.

A stupa on the streets of Leh

A stupa on the streets of Leh


Stupas on the way up to Shanti stupa


Leh palace. A view from Shanti stupa


Shanti stupa


I just love lizards. And this was posing for me )


A view to old Leh from Leh palace


Shanti stupa from Leh palace


I saw and listened to hang the 1st time in live. It is an amazing instrument

One day I went to the nearest mountain and meditated at the top. That was my very private and intimate moment. No matter how much I complain on my loneliness – never believe me – I am the one who loves this silence and loneliness on the top of the mountain.

The mountain I have climbed up

The mountain I have climbed up


The view on Choglamsar


Military bases between Leh and Choglamsar

On my way back from that mountain I saw such a picture:

Garbage pinned by the wind to the fence of some military base

Garbage pinned by the wind to the fence of some military base

Almost all days were the same – in the morning we went to the monastery which was 5 mins drive from our hotel, I had free Tibetan breakfast – first time I tried zampa – liked it much. Then some puja, then lunch at the monastery – mix of Tibetan and Indian food – usually very tasty. In the evening we were back to the hotel.

Karma Dupgyud Choeling Monastery

Karma Dupgyud Choeling Monastery


Lama’s dance


Eight stupas near the Karma Dupgyud Choeling Monastery


During a puja

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One day we went to Hemis monastery – about 50 kms from Leh – extremely beautiful place. We were climbing up to old cave about 50 mins – that was so much inspiring. And all this crowd of monks and Europeans felt like a brotherhood, like free unconditional communication. You feel free to talk to anybody, you feel free to sing. Even such a small journey joined people. We spent several hours there. Wonderful.

Gold and blue

Gold and blue


The way from Hemis monastery up to 800 years old cave.


This place is so nice and cozy. I felt I could spend much time there. Next time – without a big group )


Lama Dorje who lives near that old cave


Sherab Gyaltsen Rinpoche – a very kind and compassionate person


Karmapa Trinley Thaye Dorje – the head of Karma Kagyu linage of Tibetan Buddhism

LehLadakh2015-3415My last two days – Pangong lake. To get there a foreigner must get a special permission, as it is situated close to the border China-India. We paid 500 rupees each. Several people from Hong Kong had not got that permission because of their chinese passports. Our organizer Galina was always hiring two cars for our company, so our car was: Galina, her good friend Lena, amazing Japanese girl YoYoi, Vadim and me. The way to Pangong lake lays through 5300m high point. And to avoid sickness of altitude three of us – Galina, Vadim and me were singing songs like in full strength of our voices ) – it was an amazing experience. I realised that it was much easier to bear headache with friends shouting as mad rather than alone in silence. I just hope that the driver was not disturbed much ))).

Just before 5300 meters pass

Just before 5300 meters pass


Yak Yak Yak ) On the way to Pangong lake we stopped near that yak herders place

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Pangong lake is extremely beautiful. Cunning. Out breathing.

The last downhill to Pangong lake

The last downhill to Pangong lake



Everybody was chilling at the shore and refreshing their feet.


The water is salty

Galina booked rooms for us in one very nice hotel, but when we arrived instead of 5 booked rooms they got only three. So about two hours we were deciding that problem, finally all rooms were given to us. This place is so difficult to run hotel business, and the hotel crew was doing a great job over there. As for me I found that hotel nice – the food was OK, rooms were clean, in the evening there was electricity till 11pm. The price was with a discount for us – 2000 rupees for a room for two including breakfast.

Early in the morning we started our way back to Leh. I was a bit upset to leave such a beautiful place without proper exploring. But next time, next time… Before coming to Leh we had visited two more monasteries:

Mantras on stones. They are everywhere at those places

Mantras on stones. They are everywhere at those places


Shacur monastery


Chai at Shacur monastery was very good.


The last monastery that I have visited in this trip – I forgot the name 😛

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Every day we got up at least at six, couple of mornings at 4:30. Many in our group were suffering from altitude sickness, with digestive system, but I felt too healthy. My return happened so fast. We came back to Leh from Pangong lake, and I was supposed to go to Manali by minibus at 1:30 am. I hoped to spend that last evening with friends, but the time of departure was changed suddenly to 9:30pm, so I had my dinner quickly and left. So sad. The way back was longer – about 18 hours and the driver was only one – very hard job he was doing, but perfect on those roads. I saw a beautiful pass 50 kms from Manali (Rohtang pass) – its like a fairy tale – many waterfalls, huge rocks, much greenery and flowers, big eagles. I must come back there on a solo trip, with my own vehicle to have opportunity to stop wherever I want, and not be in a rush.
I spent one night at the same hotel – Valley View. The evening I arrived I was so tired, that didn’t even eat anything, just bought a bottle of wine and after one glass fell asleep as dead. Next day I had several hours to explore Manali, so I just bought souvenirs for my family and was walking in a beautiful Manali forest. Here all my sorrows caused parting with my friends went away.

Manali forest

Manali forest


A cone


The ticket Manali-Delhi was booked in advance, we started at 5 p.m., and were in Delhi by 7 a.m. already. On a bus I felt a big pain in my throat, and when we stopped for a dinner, a man from that restaurant kindly brought a glass of hot water with salt for me when I asked for. I slept for a very short time enjoying a night ride as my seat was in the first row and I was just watching the dark road in front, listening to music…

That journey was quite sudden for me. And I want to thank all my friends who helped me to go to Ladakh.

Today was skiing on the ice of lake Baikal – so cool! I haven’t done this route for several years, and was afraid that those 33 kms would be tough. But it was really nice! Despite of threatening fresh cracks in the ice, and noise coming from under the ice – sun, damn blue skies, nice temperature, nice company (which i founde on my way) – made the day!

Ski path on the ice of Baikal lake

Ski path on the ice of Baikal lake

Icicles of the Lake Baikal

Icicles of the Lake Baikal

Ice of Baikal lake

Ice of Baikal lake

On the ice of Lake Baikal

On the ice of Lake Baikal

ты, ты никогда не узнаешь, почему я смеюсь, почему я счастлива.. Я, я никогда не узнаю, почему ты счастлив. А мне и не нужно этого знать. Когда ты смеешься, смеешься от души, мне хорошо. Неважно, кто ты. Хотя я говорю о тебе, папа. Когда люди счастливы, я тоже смеюсь. Я только не понимаю, почему мне нужно доказывать тебе, что я могу быть счастлива под другим углом, чем ты думаешь. До сих пор хочется услышать – “Будь счастлива, Женька! Пусть у тебя все получится!”, от тебя, папа. Мой брат выиграл битву за свою взрослость с тобой, путем десятилетнего молчания и отъездом за 5000 км. Разве это необходимое условие, чтобы заслужить твое доверие? бред. Х…я какая-то. Я не хочу ни с кем воевать

Когда я с мужчиной, любимым мужчиной, все растворяется. Я забываю свою голову, я чувствую себя на месте, я здесь и сейчас, я не думаю, все происходит само собой. Но вот я одна. У меня куча ответственностей, и в то же время я понимаю, что завтра я умру. “Завтра” – неважно когда, но я умру очень скоро. 1 день или 40 лет – неважно. Все мои responsibilities умрут со мной. Все мои эмоции умрут со мной. И я начинаю думать. Много и непродуктивно. Я читаю тексты и (о ужас для нашего времени!) книжки по философии и психологии, я наслаждаюсь этими измышлениями, я разговариваю на эти темы с людьми. Сомнения или поглощают меня или уходят совсем. Это подобно оргазму. Я смеюсь и чувствую лёгкость, но это быстро проходит. Какое-то время назад я думала, что что-то успокоит меня, какой-нибудь метод. Нет. Успокоение не приходит. Мысли скачут. Мешают быть спокойной. Я не могу спокойно работать. Одна.

И вот, собственно, все. Застряла. Не решила, отпустила, но неспокойно. Только любовь значит в моей жизни, только она приносит успокоение. Я “завтра” умру, но я хочу умереть спокойной, без страха в глазах. Того страха, что я видела в глазах моей бабушки за три дня до её смерти. Моя любимая бабушка.. Я до сих пор плачу, что не могу с ней поговорить.

Два дня назад я проверяла свой френд-лист на фейсбуке. Двоих уже нет в живых. Молодых двоих. Все им желали здоровья и счастья, но они вдруг умерли. Работают ли пожелания?

Что важно для меня? Что важно в этой жизни? Почему я не могу потерять важность себя? Недостаточно читать умные книжки. Недостаточно быть успешным в своих и других глазах. Что такое достаточно? I am lost. Так ли это, что надо думать? Транссерфинг, медитация, родительство, замужество, развод, профессиональный рост, путешествия, романы, дикие  любовные истории привели меня в никуда. Мне 5-6 лет. И моим родителям не больше. Что меня успокоит? Когда я стану думать без паники? Мои дети верят в меня, а я – нет. Они взрослее. И я верю им, что я делаю все правильно, и перестаю думать. Все время по тонкой ниточке.

Мой любимый мужчина, будь счастлив. Неважно, где и когда.

я люблю ночь. ночью можно смотреть на фонарь, можно зажечь свечи, можно смотреть киношку, можно ждать звонка и не дождаться, можно немного поплакать, можно покурить, открыв окно и глядя в тихий-претихий район, можно видеть дурацкие/страшные/приятные сны, а проснувшись внезапно в 5-6 утра, их вспоминать и зачем-то даже записывать, после пробуждения они кажутся важными, но очень быстро эта важность уходит, это всего лишь рутинная работа моего мозга. Короче, стрёмно ночью одной

Самопсихотренинг, продолжение

Продолжаю слушать Капранова, его семинар 33. Делаю задания. Временами восторг, временами приходят откровения. А казалось бы, уже 35 мне, себя как облупленную знаю. Ан нет, застряла где-то в юности, то ли в детстве. Иногда тяжело. Но депрессивные состояния меня и так всю жизнь сопровождают, так уж лучше с анализом, чем без. Понятно, что быстро выпрыгнуть в состояние счастья не получится с тем грузом, который я накопила, фиг знает, в течение какого времени. Безвременный груз. Пару раз словила, что он сказал фигню, ибо проверила – да, фигня. Но, может, он это специально подкинул, чтобы не все правильным казалось 🙂
Ну вот, последнее откровение для себя. Я ведь почему преподавать люблю. Среди прочего – встречаю людей, которые знают в области фотографии меньше, чем я. И самооценка моя растет. Типа, я не так уж и плоха. Отсюда вывод – хочу развиваться, надо попасть в среду, где люди круче, гораздо круче, чем. Хочу. Хочу стать таким же нулевым начинающим фотографом для кого-то, как некоторые мои ученики для меня.
Все, что я слышу на этом семинаре – суть одно и то же. Другие психологи, учения, попытки практики. Но в этот раз доходчиво. И постепенно. Буду продолжать. Ибо дошла уже до такого состояния, что не понимаю очень часто, что происходит и что делать.
А тот список раздражений, который я написала (не дотянула до 100 пунктов, на 80-м стало противно, невмоготу, будто я злюсь по жизни на все подряд), оказался очень полезным, с ним еще работать и работать.
Ну и картинка к тексту, не к месту, конечно )


все не так, как кажется

Выплескиваю раздражение

Занялась я тут своей психотерапией. Стала слушать семинары психолого Алексея Капранова из Барнаула. Классный мужик. В отличие от всех других психологов, которых я видела до сих пор, много ржет, шутит, объясняет все на примерах. Этим и подкупил. Делаю задание после первого семинара – написать все, что раздражает по жизни – в себе, других, вообще – и оценить по 10-бальной шкале. Вначале понравилось – пишу буквально все, тетрадка под рукой, как чувствую раздражение, или вспомню, что раздражало раньше, сразу записываю. Как по маслу пишется! Никто ведь читать не будет )). Дошла до 50 пунктов. И чувствую, что прямо перестаю контролировать это раздражение, прорывается, значит, обычно я его задавливаю, злость есть, но я ее внутри держу. Немного пугает. Но, может, это и к лучшему. Посмотрим, что дальше будет, гы_MG_3352web